“I am not your enemy. I love you.”
I stood in silence, in guilt. I realised that the person I love most was the person I had respected least. It had been a stressful week and I had been short tempered. Being short tempered was an understatement. I was in fight mode. It was then that I realised I needed to work on myself more than I had previously thought.
There is a term for this fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode according to Daniel Goleman, the pioneer in emotional intelligence. It is called the amygdala hijack which refers to a personal, emotional response that is immediate, overwhelming and out of measure with the actual stimulus.
Remaining in the stress response over protracted periods of time can cause major damage to our bodies due to release of stress hormones such as cortisol. This may be worsened by the fact that LGBTQ+ professionals in our society would have to face additional sets of challenges. When we are unable to manage stress, we are also unable to make rational decisions, collaborate with others or align ourselves with long term goals. At times, we may even be unaware that our decisions and performance have not been optimal.
Our amygdala serves a great purpose. It is there to ensure that we can act instinctively when there is imminent danger to our safety. We would not want to be pondering about the meaning of life when we are face to face with a hungry tiger. However, in today’s modern world, the tiger has taken on new forms; deadlines, co-workers, clients, family members and even some political figures.
Stress levels may be heightened as many of us are increasingly realising that we hardly have control over the events in this Volatile, Uncertain, Complex and Ambiguous (VUCA) world.
However, the lack of control does not mean the lack of choices. In fact, your perception toward stress is more crucial than the actual event or crisis. In a groundbreaking study, individuals who change their perception of a stressful event into a learning experience, or even a new challenge, managed to avert long-term health effects. Those who experienced a high degree of stress and perceived that stress affected their health suffered as high as a 43% increased risk of premature death (Keller et al., 2012).
Many professionals within the LGBTQ+ community could handle stress and pressure very well, rising up the ladder very quickly. However, we could still be underperforming even when we are regarded as high achievers by others because we have yet to utilize our full potential and we might be unnecessarily coping with issues such as anxiety or perfectionism behind the curtains. While support groups are available for those within the LGBTQ+ community who might need additional support at some point in their lives, others just need to raise their awareness and be equipped with tools so that they can perform exponentially better. Nevertheless, I believe that LGBTQ+ individuals are already highly resilient, adaptive and resourceful because of the conditions that we have to face in our daily lives. We are able to navigate uncertainty and volatility in our environments. We are clearly a natural when it comes to managing ambiguity and complexity. It is high time that we embrace our gifts and recognize our strengths.
In this article, I would like to share a six step strategy that I’ve integrated from my experiences. These learnings helped to rewire myself away from my own negative coping strategies of the past.. To be honest, I wished I had learnt these concepts much earlier. I hope you would benefit from them as much as I did. Do take what resonates with you, deepen your knowledge through further research and put them into action.
Appreciation of Situation (AOS) – 6R Approach to Stress Management
Appreciation of Situation is a term I learnt while serving the Singapore Police Force; a strategy to deal with crisis. Appreciation was formerly developed by the military to help commanders gain a comprehensive understanding of any fact, problem or situation in battle. Since leaving the force, I’ve adapted the term and added it into my self-mastery toolbox. I’ve also helped many members of the LGBTQ+ professional community understand this approach and helped them adapt it for their work and life, resulting in improved performance and greater happiness. Here’s my adaptation and a brief description of the 6R approach.
1. Recognise Patterns
You were attending a work cocktail party and you were amongst colleagues as well as clients who were discussing family or relationships. You were laughing along with them but you felt that they would not accept you if you were to tell them that you have a partner of the same sex. You felt lousy that you had to hide facts and you chose to focus on the fact that you are not straight instead of focusing on how highly regarded your contributions at work were. You were also worried about whether they might feel betrayed or angry if they found out that they had been lied to. At times, you overcompensated by pushing yourself to do more yet you felt that you were never good enough. Your stress was exacerbated but you were not aware of the role you played in compounding your own stress levels.
So think about the last time you feel stressed, what were the coping strategies that you adopted? Were you merely reacting to events and others around you? Were there habitual behavioural patterns that you would like to change? What was the self-talk that took place before, during and after stressful events? Were you harsh and judgmental with yourself or were you compassionate and nurturing to yourself?
Another pattern that most of us neglect is our nutrition and hydration. We may comfort eat because we are so caught up reacting to the cycle of events and not think about the long term implications. Good nutrition and hydration is essential because neglecting them may result in brain fog and mood swings which aggravates your ability to cope.
Recognising patterns means that you are willing to see how you often react to defend or protect yourself and how you cover up for mistakes. Recognising patterns also involves examining the ways you communicate with yourself or how you self-sabotage. Reviewing these patterns will enable you to weed out those that are detrimental or ineffective; replacing them with more optimal ones.
2. Recognise Feelings
“Leadership is the power of commanding affection while communicating energy” – Liddel Hart
Individuals who identify as LGBTQ+ may have learnt that their emotions are perceived to be dangerous and unacceptable. Though many would have greater empathy for others because of their painful life experiences, some professionals within the community learnt to focus largely on rational data and facts. However, the best leaders out there know how to utilise emotions as data and understand the importance of empathy as well as attachment. Tuning in to your emotional intelligence prevents you from reacting in ways that you might subsequently regret. It will also help you tap into your creative and collaborative brain centers so you can create better options for yourself. Just as importantly, it can help you to connect deeper with others and build rapport.
In a five-year research program by psychologist Tasha Eurich, it was discovered that although 95% of people think they are self aware, only 10 to 15% actually are. Apart from taking EQ competency assessment that could possibly give you life changing insights, you can also independently take a few minutes everyday to be deliberate in your EQ practice. Find the words that best describe your feelings in your situation, acknowledge and accept them non-judgmentally. Understand that your emotions have an insightful message for you then choose to generate new emotions that can help you further navigate the challenges ahead.
Emotions drive change and you would thrive by leaps and bounds when you learn to harness other emotions well such as curiosity and optimism even under stressful conditions. Being emotionally insightful and working with empathy puts you in an advantageous position as you are able to create the right emotions for others to get in sync.
3. Review Thoughts and Beliefs
Once you transition out of your amygdala hijack, you can leverage on your curiosity to check what are the elements present in the challenge that you are facing. Always ask yourself better questions so that you can strategize adeptly. If the situation is volatile, how can I prepare better and what resources do I need? If the situation is uncertain, what can I do to get more information and how can I interpret whatever information that I already have at hand? If the situation is complex, whose expertise can I tap on to solve this challenge? If there is ambiguity, how can I tap into my courage, imagination and increase my risk tolerance?
How about asking deeper questions? Do you have the belief that money is hard to earn or that you are predestined to live a hard life just because you are gay? Do you believe that you are good enough or do you believe that you will never be accepted no matter how successful you are?
Often, the drivers of our decisions and actions are buried deep. We all operate within belief systems that we have formed over our life course. It does not help that the narratives of LGBTQ+ community in the media and public sphere has not been particularly positive. Most of these beliefs are found at the subconscious level of our mind. Bringing them to conscious awareness and reframing limiting beliefs, especially internalised homophobia, will create clarity and significantly improve your performance.
4. Recognise Relationships
Unaddressed conflicts take a toll on our resilience. A longitudinal Harvard study has confirmed findings that we already know intuitively; relationships and how satisfied we are with them are significant factors influencing our health and long term happiness. Our ability to develop good relationships and networks also determine the kind of influence we have in our world. Supportive relationships act as protective buffers against stressors in our lives. However, we need to allow ourselves to be supported, be it within your private inner circle or by joining any of our friendly LGBTQ+ support groups out there (there are really many of them!). Being vulnerable to trusted others while being clear on our non-negotiables in a relationship only makes us stronger.
Being aware of everyone involved in the situation would enable us to construct better decisions and it serves as a compass to the outcomes that we wish to create. We gain energy by linking our goals to the people we care about and when we know that we are significant to others. Reaching out and developing relationships with others should be prioritised as much as the tasks we have at hand.
Express gratitude, appreciation and love to the people around you regularly. Start making arrangements to have regular catch up sessions, network and bond with other LGBTQ+ professionals to share stories and effective strategies.
5. Regain Flow
The first thing about regaining flow is to pause. Mindfulness practice or breath work may do wonders in calming your nervous system. Reflecting on what you are coping with and evaluating what is important will increase clarity on your path as well as the effectiveness of your action plan.
Strategise according to your strengths and weaknesses; work on what will bring about the most impact. Too many of us are busy with inconsequential activities throughout the day. Ensure that you are in the flow by allocating time and resources with awareness and take away anything that does not add to your flow and rhythm. Being in flow is about finding balance in the various important aspects of your existence and ensuring that they are all a part of your daily rhythm of activities. So make a list of what matters to you and ensure that they are given adequate time and attention during your week.
6. Recharge
Once you are in momentum, you need to ensure that your energy is constantly replenished. How often do you check in on your alignment with your values? What are the internal motivators that will keep you recharged? How do you nourish yourself spiritually even if you are not religious? Bingeing on alcohol certainly does not count!
Find ways to give yourself the self-love you deserve and not allow humility or comparisons get in the way of appreciating how much you’ve endured and accomplished.
When we start asking why the situation is happening for us instead of why is it happening to us, we begin to appreciate situations better. When we learn that there are choices even when we do not have control, we begin to create and widen our options. When we learn that we can be proactive and that it is all a matter of perspective, we begin to live every day loving life despite the challenges we are facing. It is only then that we can truly thrive even in the most dire situations, even as LGBTQ+ professionals.
Further Reading
Eurich, T. (2017). Insight: The Power of Self-Awareness in a Self-Deluded World. Pan Macmillan.
Freedman, J. (2008). At the Heart of Leadership: How to Get Results with Emotional Intelligence. Six Seconds.
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. New York: Bantam Books.
Keller, A., Litzelman, K., Wisk, L. E., Maddox, T., Cheng, E. R., Creswell, P. D., & Witt, W. P. (2012). Does the perception that stress affects health matter? The association with health and mortality. Health psychology : official journal of the Division of Health Psychology, American Psychological Association, 31(5), 677–684. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0026743
Disclaimer: Please note that the views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in the text belong solely to the author, and not necessarily to the author’s employer, organization, committee or other group or individual. Should there be any facts inaccurately presented, we will kindly appreciate if you could inform us at info@prident.co
About the Author
Juliana Johan is a gerontologist and a Rapid Transformational Coach for senior executives, entrepreneurs and leaders. She utilises a complete range of validated tools and assessments for individuals and teams around the world to leverage on emotional intelligence, neuroscience and resiliency. She supports them as they unearth the source of their issues, reframe limiting beliefs and strategically achieve their breakthroughs. She specialises in facilitating states of flow and purpose where you perform optimally and live everyday loving life with both achievement and satisfaction. Connect with her here.
